Emailing in Middle Earth
by Echinacea
Summary: What happens when the Fellowship and others are given their own laptops and e-mail addresses? Lord of the Rings story told by e-mail.
1. Default Chapter

**To:**_ big_blue_eyes@theshireplace.com_   
**From:**_ grumpy_grey_geezer@istari.net_

Frodo, Bilbo lied about where he got his ring. I had it confirmed today that he didn't buy it from Toys "r" us, but won it playing poker with Gollum. If you can't remember what I told you (being the useless, stupid Hobbit you are), DON'T WEAR IT! 

Gandalf 

PS: I'll be at your house for some tea in 20 minutes. 

**To:** _ garden_grower@theshireplace.com _   
**From:** _ big_blue_eyes@theshireplace.com_

Stupid Gandalf is dropping by unexpectedly for tea. I need to borrow the china set you stole from Pippin for dinner tonight. And when are you gonna come over and cut my freakin' lawn??? You're the gardener, aren't you??? The grass is almost 2 feet high, and I needed to use a machete to get to my mailbox today. Get your butt over here tomorrow! 

Frodo 

**To:**_ grumpy_grey_geezer@istari.net_  
**From:**_ pointy_nails@istari.net_

Gandalf, how come you've stopped answering my e-mails? Is it because of that time I put garlic paste on your toothbrush? Well, come to my place next week Wednesday so we can make ammends and you can tell me what's going on in the world. Could ya bring my spare key while you're at it? I locked myself outta my tower again. I'll cook dinner. 

Saruman 

**To:**_ smelly_manly_ranger@numenor.net_  
**From:**_ grumpy_grey_geezer@istari.net_

Strider, do me a favor and meet my Hobbit friends at the Prancing Pony in Bree. I'm... well, I'm really busy at the moment. 

Gandalf 

**To:**_ grumpy_grey_geezer@istari.net_  
**From:**_ big_blue_eyes@theshireplace.com_

Gandalf, where the heck are you??? I brave the dangerous wild and nine ringwraiths only to be stood up! But that ranger dude you sent in your place is actually a pretty nice guy. Only, you can smell him looooooooong before you see him. My Ralph Lauren cologne is all gone now, because I needed to get rid of the stench. You'd better have a good explaination!!! 

Frodo 

**To:**_a lmighty_eagle_king@mistymountains.com_  
**From:**_ grumpy_grey_geezer@istari.net_

Hey, Gwaihir, could you rescue me from Saruman's tower? Apparently, he doesn't take criticism well and got insulted when I told him his roast turkey was dry. We got into a fight and I ended up losing my staff and Saruman sent me flying to the roof. HELP ME!!! 

Gandalf

**To:**_ grump_grey_geezer@istari.net_  
**From:**_ almighty_eagle_king@mistymountains.com_

You wizards are ALWAYS getting into trouble, then expecting us to help you out of it. _"Gwaihir, I'm stuck in a tree! Gwaihir, come get me down! Gwaihir, some goblins are going to kill me!"_ I'm sick of your constant requests. I am not your beast of burden! 

Gwaihir

PS: I'll pick you up at ten. 


	2. Hobbits can be a pain in the butt

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters from Lord of the Rings.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

**To:**_pipeweed_addict@theshireplace.com_  
**From:**_mushrooms_forever@theshireplace.com_

Merry, isn't Frodo the dumbest ever? First, he gets so drunk that he can't even tell a rock from a pillow. Then, he gets himself stabbed in the shoulder. I think he did it on purpose just so he could get carried the rest of the way by Aragorn. Stupid free-loader. 

Pippin 

**To:**_smelly_manly_ranger@whitecity.net_  
**From:**_garden_grower@theshireplace.com_

Look, Strider. I'm generally not one to complain, but do we really have to walk through the grimiest, stinkiest, muddiest path to Rivendell? I've got so many bug bites that I could play connect the dots. Besides, Mr. Frodo needs proper medical attention for his wound, not ranger spit healing cream. 

Sam 

**To:**_smelly_manly_ranger@whitecity.net_  
**From:**_mushrooms_forever@theshireplace.com_

Come on, Strider! Do you honestly think that we can survive on only one apple for second breakfast? My healthy eating habits are now all off because you took away my elevensies and afternoon tea. Three meals a day... Psh! Who ever heard of such nonsense? 

Pippin 

PS: May I talk to you tomorrow night? I found a great article on personal hygiene that I want you to see. 

**To:**_grumpy_grey_geezer@istari.net_  
**From:**_smelly_manly_ranger@whitecity.net_

You old fart! How could you play such a dirty trick on me? _ "Meet my friends at Bree... I'm delayed..." _ Delayed my butt! You just wanted to get out of having to travel with them. These hobbits are so freaking annoying! All they do is complain all day long. _"I'm still hungry! I'm too tired! You're so smelly!" _ I swear I'll get you back for this, wizard! 

Aragorn 


	3. Old Friends Prepare to Meet

Disclaimer: I don't own any LOTR Characters, or the cologne mentioned.

By the way, yes, I know it's been about two years, but so much happened between now and then… So here's my update, if you still want to read it! 

**To: **_smelly-manly-ranger_**  
From: **_elven-rider-chic_**  
**

Poochie darling, I'm riding out to find you right now! I think you accidentally grabbed my hair gel, even though I've told you countless times that it makes your hair look greasy. They've shut down the Lorien Inc. online store, so I need all the supplies I can get.

Besides, Glorifindel has been teasing me horribly all week, saying my hair is _frizzing_. _Frizzing! _Always swishing his hair in my face, talking about the _correct_ way to care for hair, and being a downright prat. And I refuse to put up with it any longer! I know for a fact that he has to _bleach _his hair regularly. Don't worry darling, you don't have to understand; it's an elf thing.

Arwen

******To: **_witch-king_******  
From: **_wraith-thingy-number7_******  
**

Boss, erm, sorry, but me and number 2 are lost. We must've grabbed the wrong roadmap because we're currently on a beach. Number 2 tried to ask the locals for directions to the Shire, but they ran away screaming before we could even threaten them properly. I told you these outfits were crappily made.

But might I suggest that you look at the Gap of Rohan's fall line; those people actually know how to accessorize properly. And for every 2 outfits you buy, you get 1 free!

Please do consider,

Number 7

******To: **_sexy-eyebrowed-elf_******  
From: **_grumpy-grey-geezer_******  
**

For the sake of Elbereth, when are you going to change your silly e-mail address? Stop trying to pretend you're 2,576 and act more your age. Anyway, Gwaihir is dropping me off around 3:00 in the morning from the roof of Saruman's tower. The git took my pipe and the last packet of Old Toby. Call a council immediately, because this means war! It's for the survival of Middle-Earth! The greater good! The expulsion of evil! And,well, I just want an excuse to kick his butt and get revenge.

Gandalf

P.S. I EXPECT DINNER! (Saruman is such a poor cook)

****** To: **_smelly-manly-ranger_******  
From: **_amazon-confirmation-staff_******  
**

Hello Aragorn!

Here is a confirmation e-mail of your order:

5 bars mango-scented soap

1 washcloth

1 bottle shampoo

1 bottle mango body spray

1 stick deodorant

1 bottle _Ralph Lauren Romance _

Your order will be shipped tonight by express mail. Thank you for shopping at Amazon!

******To: **_wraith-thingy-number7_******  
From: **_wraith-thingy-number5_******  
**

Oooh, you are in _so much trouble! _The witch-king was so pissed off that you guys didn't show when we cornered the half-lings. He's already kicked Number 8, 4, and 9 in the you-know-where because they were too busy squabbling over those tomatoes the hobbits left behind in the frying pan when they were supposed to be helping the witch-king.

Number 5

P.S. This is from the Witch-King: Mapquest it you dolts!

******To: **_grumpy-grey-geezer_******  
From: **_big-blue-eyes_******  
**

I hate you Gandalf. I'll never go on a trip with you again. I got stabbed in the arm and now I'm becoming undead. Just thought I'd let you in on the last of my sane thoughts before I joined the other side.

Frodo


	4. To Rivendell!

**To: **_grumpy-grey-geezer_

**From: **_sexy-eyebrowed-elf_

Come on, Gandalf! You're just over-reacting. Imladris is miles away from Orthanc and Mordor, so we have nothing to worry about at the moment. Besides, we all have more important things to think about, such as my wardrobe for the undying lands!

By the way, I'm getting my eyebrows waxed tomorrow, so keep a lookout for Aragorn for me. I've banned him from Rivendell because he keeps making moves on Arwen.

Elrond

**To: **_big-blue-eyes_

**From: **_garden-grower_

Merry and Pippin are being so mean to me ever since that she-elf nabbed you away. They keep stealing my frying pans and playing keep-away with them, even though Pippin accidentally hit himself in the forehead with one of them. The idiot. And Strider isn't helping at all! Ever since the elf showed up he's been muttering angrily about amazon shipping and smelling his underarms. Whatever that's supposed to mean.

But when she came, she started speaking to him in elvish, but began choking on Strider's scent as he drew nearer. Then she said something about her father before grabbing you and taking off.

Poor Strider; not the chic magnet he thought he was.

Sam

**To: **_nancing-archer-boy, gondor-needs-no-king, smelly-manly-ranger, big-blue-eyes, axes-r-cool_

**From: **_grumpy-grey-geezer_

Party at Elrond's, next Tuesday at Noon!

B.Y.O.B.

Gandalf

PS: Don't mention this to Elrond

**To: **_smelly-manly-ranger_

**From: **_nancing-elf-boy_

Aragorn, my man! Please tell me you're going to Gandalf's party on Tuesday. If you don't go, I don't think I'll be able to stand it because he's invited _Boromir. _You remember him: the biggest whiner Gondor ever produced. He's always _pouting _about something, the big baby. Oh well, I guess I shouldn't have expected anything more from his kind.

Legolas

**To: **_baddest-dude-in-arda_

**From: **_high-witch-king_

Hey Sauron,

I'd greatly appreciate it if you send us a handful of orcs to bring us back to Mordor. We are currently floating down the Anduin, with Number 2 and Number 7 trying to convince me that we'd make an awesome synchronized swimming team. Number 7 is particularly enjoying the idea of designing our swimsuits himself.

Promise me you'll hurt him when we get back to Barad-dur.

Witch-King of Angmar

**To: **_smelly-manly-ranger_

**From:**_grumpy-grey-geezer_

Strider, stay out of Elrond's sight for a few days. He's pretty grumpy because I pulled him out of his eyebrow waxing appointment to go heal Frodo. And uh… Well, he's missing half of his right eyebrow. Now he's storming around Rivendell because he's had to pencil the missing part in. I've tried talking to him about the ring to get his mind off his looks, but all he'd do is glower and tell me his people are leaving, so it's none of the elves' concern anyway. I wanted to hit him with my staff, but restrained myself.

Gandalf

PS: Arwen is looking forward to your return, I think. She's been preparing your room personally, filling it with potpourri and perfuming the bed sheets.


End file.
